Ebonics and Ivronics

Ebonics and Ivronics

It occurred to me the other day that Ebonics is some bulls***t. Remember a few years ago when this was the big buzz word? I can't count how many times that my friends and co-workers would come up to me and ask “Hey DC, what do you think about Ebonics?” or the one that I really liked and miss (if nothing else for it's unparallelled, unintentional comedic value): “Do you believe in Ebonics?” (See, I told you! I mean that's Christine O'Donnell funny). Let me say first of all that I don't mind speaking for and entire group of people (in this case I'm assuming that people were really asking: what is the official African-American position on the 'Ebonics' movement?, I've been doing it my entire life, and actually have become somewhat skilled at being the local unofficial NAACP spokesperson at any given moment around my non-black brothers and sisters, hey if nothing else it's an ego boost. Alas, I have digressed...How did I answer? Well...let's take the second version of the question first, mainly because it's a terrible question on many fronts, but for the sake of brevity, I will tackle only both questions, by answering in few ways:

1. I believe that I still have a shot as a professional athlete (if I could get the right break). So speaking as a broke-down 33-year old former marginally-good athlete from the time when LL Cool J was a legitimate rapper, who in the hell cares what other people believe (besides right-wing-Republicans). *On a serious note, this I believe (pun intended) is actually subdued 21^st century racism (ooooh, he said racism!). Why do African-American constructs have to be legitimized in a way that other cultures and ethnicities do not? I mean is somebody really asking if I believe in a dialect? People speak the way that they speak, period, curiously African-Americans must prove (apparently) that the way that they speak is real, now that's just Jim Crow weird if you ask me.
2. By asking the question, you are making a statement...Your black friend is really thinking, why is he asking me that? It's a second-cousin to the why can't I use the N-word? The rappers due- logic. Right or wrong, you must understand that we are beginning to wonder about you when you do this. Note* If you do ask these questions, and under no circumstances should you ask both of them on the same day, that's just Glenn Beck weird.
3. It depends on which day that you ask me...Hey black or not, I'm human being, so there are several factors which go into my daily opinions, ranging from what time of day it is, or whether or not I am sober, had coffee or not, etc. ; bottom line (to a certain degree) here is that (if you don't know me or haven't figured it out yet) I speak differently (code-switching 101) in front of different audiences, and always have the potential to be full of sh*t, and am not always in the mood to argue (Barack Obama weird).
4. Finally: Yes, I do...there, now let's argue (Bill O'reilly weird)

With that being answered, I now am proud to share with you my latest accomplishment. Unlike Christopher Columbus, I have actually discovered something. I call it Ivronics. That's right: common White-American dialect (largely gathered from an inordinate amount of Jerry Springer and Judge Judy views) Here is my proof of discovery:

1. “He came to my work”
   You cannot (no matter hard that you want) go to a verb. Please, before you comment that “work” can be a noun...be honest, the folks you use this term are not aware of this...
2. “I seen him down there”
   This one just makes me giggle, but independent of that, I still believe in Ivronics
3. “I borrowed her the money”
   This one actually deserves a “get the f*** outta here!”, but I'll refrain from that, and instead comment that even illiterate cats and toddlers must find humor in this level of butchery of the English language.
4. Finally, hot off the press: Whenever in place of when.
   Example: Q: “Why didn't you guys come over last Friday after we called you to meet us”
   A: (In Ivronics): “Whenever you called us, I thought you meant this Friday”
   A fair question at this point, is what is the point?
   First of all....it's a blog, isn't the whole point that I don't need a point. I'd go back to my doctorate program and finish my dissertation if I wanted to be questioned by a bunch of people coming down from their mountain-tops to judge my opinions. By the way, your commentary is welcomed even if ignored by the author at a later date/time.

Bottom Line: People are people. Black, White, or otherwise, no one speaks then “King's English” anymore in America. Perhaps we should go the way of Brazil and change the official language to American-English to more accurately reflect our true language. In any event, don't tell how “cool” that the Boston accent is, or lecture me on the history behind the “Cajun dialect”, and then diss African-Americans as being unintelligent or otherwise by the way that they speak, it's just bootleg and anti-intelligent malarkey...Tea Party weird